Growing up is hard. I am very glad that the
hardest part is over. The ages of 14 to 18 were very difficult for me. I
struggled to figure out who I was and where I
belonged in the world, all the while being assaulted by hormones, both emotionally and physically....my body and brain were
changing....my sexuality was changing....I felt like a misfit in the
world....and I felt alone. The one thing that helped me through those
years was writing.
Whenever I felt alone or sad I would pick up a pen
and talk to the paper because I had so much inside of me that
had to come out and the paper would not judge me and would listen to my
rants, quietly and respectfully.
Now that I'm all grown up, things are WAY better and make more sense. It took many years to figure it all out and I still struggle from time to time and slip into a negative space...and that is when I try to think about the man I work with.
I work with a man in his early 30s. At the age of 16 he dove off some rocks into the water, hit his head on rock, and severed his spinal cord. This previously healthy man was paralyzed from the waist down with limited use of his hands. He now comes to work everyday in his wheelchair, sits at a computer to do his job and manages to type, albeit slowly, with his deformed hands. He is a cheerful fellow, always wearing a big smile and willing to chat with you.
I try to think of him whenever I am depressed and/or feeling sorry for myself. After what he has been through, I have no right to be down about much of anything. I am healthy, I have the use of all my limbs. I have a wonderful family and a partner whom I love and who loves me......no right at all.
I went down into the basement the other day because I wanted to find some of the words that I had written, all those years ago because I have someone that I want to share them with. I dedicate these words, written at the ages of 15 and 16, to my wonderful and special niece, Nicole.
Inside of You (written in 1976 at the age of 15)
Inside of you,
trying to get out.
Just sitting there,
inside of you.
Making you crazy,
making you shake.
On the border between
exploding and
sleeping,
thinking, thinking,
growing hot.
Crying, writing,
trying to
let out,
the things in you,
that you don't know about.
I'm Trying (Nov 1976)
Please be patient,
can't you see,
try to understand me.
I can't work
things out,
I just want to shout,
if you try to help me,
I'll try not to
pout.
I don't like people,
I'd much rather be alone,
it's easier to think,
when you're on your own.
It's nice out today,
it's breezy,
it's warm,
it's nice out today,
I hope it doesn't storm.
I like writing poems,
cause I can express myself.
It's fun saying what you feel,
it's no big deal.
School is no fun anymore,
it's a real bore,
cause my brain is broken,
I don't know why,
no matter how hard I try,
I just can't think,
I'm as
dumb as the bathroom sink.
Alone (1976)
You're by yourself but you never know it,
Time may pass but you'll
never show it,
the thing to do is try and outgrow it.
But you know you
can't, you've tried before,
Tried so many times to get through that
door.
People may laugh at you because you're strange,
talk behind your back
and say you're deranged.
They know you're lonely but why should they
care,
whenever you speak, you speak to the air.
You try not to get sad too much,
cause people get mad and make alot
of fuss,
but when you're sad, you really get sad,
and make people mad
around you.
Run away and never come back,
That's what I'll do one day,
Take a trip to Montreal,
and there I'll always stay.
Within Myself (1977)
Waves crash upon a rocky shore
The dreams I had once are there like before
Though things have changed
They're still the same in space and time
Where is my life going now
It carries on without reason or rhyme
it flows with the passing of yesterday's time
And brightens with hope of tomorrows
Where is the happiness I am seeking
Where is the solitude and peace of mind
It comes from within
It all starts with me
The assurance of knowing
What I am
What I want to be.
